Breathe in, puke out. In a comedy skit by College Humor, two CrossFitters attend a yoga class and try to inject some high-intensity into the routine. Hilarity and injury jokes ensue.
Ripped hands, shirtless people, colorful knee socks – all the makings of a true CrossFit box. How true to the CrossFit mantra is your place of
worship workout? Play a game of BINGO and find out!
Did anyone say partner WOD?
1. Wheelbarrow pushups
A painful reminder about the good times when you still had someone letting you stand in-between their legs as they go up and down for as many reps as possible.
2. Lunge to chest pass, sit-ups pass, over unders
These movements require some sort of passing a medicine ball between you and your partner. On Single Awareness Day, there will be no handling/holding/touching of balls whatsoever for you. So don’t even think about doing these workouts alone, lest you like working up a sweat with balls by yourself.
3. Pushup high five
Sad to say that there will be no one to return that affectionate, loving high five of yours on the 14th. It will be left hanging – cold, alone, forever waiting for the other half to reciprocate and make it complete.
4. Bodyweight partner press
If you can’t press a human being to begin with, you’re in luck! Now you won’t even have to look for a partner anymore. *sobs*
5. Muscle Ups
All these rings, and you still couldn’t put a ring on it.
6. Fireman’s carry
When was the last time you let someone carry you? Today you’re only be carrying cold, lifeless, indifferent sandbags.
7. Flag with partner in pike
This complex and difficult movement requires two things: intense upper body strength and a partner. Unfortunately, you have neither.
8. Couple pullups
You won’t be taking Instagram-worthy videos of your couple pull-ups today. Reason being (see Flag with partner pike.)
9. Elevated pushups
The only 69 you’ll be having on the cheesiest day of the year.
10. Foam roller
The only thing willing to give you a good back massage the entire day.
11. Partner deadlifts
A deadlift done side by side with a partner. You can ask a friend to help you do the workout. That’s cool. But you’ll slowly realize that this is the only time someone else will be willing to hold your rod for you.
13. Basically any weightlifting technique
All this chalk on your hands, and you still let her slip away.
Snatch his or her heart away with these alternative Valentine’s Day gifts for CrossFitters.
These matching CrossFit statement tank tops
You’d be a jerk not to get you and your bae one of these.
This Valentine’s card only a CrossFitter can relate to
Because women love men with humor. Hopefully, she finds CrossFit puns humorous.
Brand spankin’ new matching kicks
For you and your solemate.
An intimate dinner for two
Paleo, of course.
To keep those hands worthy to hold
This heart rate monitor
Not as romantic as roses, but definitely more useful. It lasts longer too!
A Drake workout mixtape
Drake knows Valentine’s Day.
A pair of printed compression shorts
To keep her warm and ready, if you know what I mean.
These jump ropes
Because true, everlasting happiness comes in the form of unbroken double-unders
A hand spa treatment
Those abused palms need some lovin’ too!
This box of Quest Bars
Technically still a box of chocolates.
These CrossFit knee socks
Because fetish. Also because deadlifts.
Nothing says “I love you” like having protein farts together.
A box date
Experts believe that exercise is an effective aphrodisiac. After sweating it out at the box, you’ll be more than ready to sweat it out in bed! Get at it, love birds!
Do you take your shirt off before, during, or after a WOD? You may not realize it, but your choice of when to go half-naked tells a lot about you.
You take your shirt off BEFORE a workout
Even before the timer signals the start of the WOD, you’re already undressed, ready to unleash the beast mode inside of you. You have a powerful personality with a competitive, goal-oriented, can-do attitude. Shirts hinder you from your main goal of achieving Rich Froning-like numbers, therefore, it must go.
You also love planning ahead, that’s why you already made concessions for the inevitable (which is taking your shirt off). Others might tell you you’re too eager, but you don’t give a damn, you’re just here for one thing and one thing only: finishing strong – which can only be done without a shirt.
Things you like: a cool, refreshing breeze sliding through your sweaty body; sweat silhouettes on the floor mat.
You take your shirt off DURING a workout
You’re that cross between an introvert and an extrovert. You’ll almost always start the workout with a shirt, but somehow end it topless. At first you’ll be shy to reveal the inner you (literally), but in the heat of the moment, you show everyone who you really are by taking it all off.
“Spontaneous” is a word that best describes you. You live in the moment. One moment you’re about to give up, the next you’re ripping your shirt and unleashing the beast. You’re also very visual. You like to imagine shirt removal as a ritual, sort of like how The Rock removes his elbow pad, bounces off the ropes, and flails his arms before delivering The People’s Elbow. It’s empowering. It’s electrifying. It’s you.
Things you like: drama, removing the weight of a sweat-soaked shirt.
You take your shirt off AFTER a workout
You are an enigma. You refuse to let anyone see the person behind that shell of a shirt. The only time you take your shirt is when you change in the dressing room. That’s completely ok. That just means you’re a conservative person who’s either still a wee bit insecure about his body, or who’s afraid he might hog all the attention once he reveals his fabulous physique.
You’re also very considerate because you know not everyone wants to see a half-naked dude. Being able to focus at the task at hand is one of your greatest traits. You know taking off a shirt – especially a tight one – wastes precious AMRAP seconds, so you concentrate all your attention on the WOD instead. You might rank low in showmanship, but at least you score high in the workouts.
Things you like: funny CrossFit shirts, the privacy of dressing rooms, lying down on the floor without your back getting filthy.
In 2014, strong was the new sexy. To celebrate how CrossFit has changed the way we perceive beauty, here are some of the sport’s leading ladies who are slowly but surely setting a new standard for women everywhere. Let the thirst commence!
Beauty, brains, and brawn. What more can we ask for?
She’s got movie star looks, but she’s got an even more beautiful muscle-up. We are enamored by this woman!
The smile that could launch a thousand ships. She placed only second in this year’s Games after a year of absence, but she definitely placed first in our hearts.
Placed 6th at the NorCal Regionals and impressed us with this 8:37 performance of Heavy Fran. We like what we see!
What’s a list of gorgeous CrossFit women without New York Rhino and all-around sweetheart, Ager Bomb, right?
Conquered the 2014 North Central regionals, finishing 1st overall. We’d like to take a chance with LaChance (I know, that was horrible.)
Finished 2nd with Team Rogue Fitness Red at the CrossFit Team Series and placed 5th in the 63kg category at the World University Weighlifting Championships, while still attending classes at San Diego State University. Not a bad year for a 20-year-old stunner.
A CrossFit coach and an L1 Seminar Staff member, not to mention she’s the first female to become part of a NASCAR pit crew. She loves CrossFit AND cars! All I want for Christmas is Christmas!
We are not worthy of this girl’s good looks and deadlift PR!
The thought of Jackie makes us nervous and sweaty – and I’m not talking about the benchmark WOD!
One lady taking on four guys (I’m still talking about CrossFit here) is enough to make us swoon. Wow!
The gift that keeps on giving. Just check out her Instagram account and you’ll know what we’re talking about.
Of course, the champ is here! The champ is here!
At the 2014 CrossFit Games, the top three podium finishers, had beards – or at least a 5’oclock shadow. These men were Rich Froning, Matthew Frasier, and Jason Khalipa. CrossFit’s greatest beard, Lucas Parker, has topped the Canada West Regionals 3 out of the last 4 years. Clearly, their gorgeous beards have something to do with their success.
Here are some other good reasons to grow a beard:
- According to scientists, cavemen grew their beards for 3 reasons: warmth, intimidation, and protection from punches to the face. They say that only men with beards can survive a fight with a wild animal, thanks to the protection it provides.
- Ancient civilizations regarded beards as a sign of honor. In ancient Turkey and India, men with long beards were seen as wise and dignified. Meanwhile, Otto the Great, emperor of the Holy Roman Empire, swore by his beard when saying anything serious.
- No one picks a fight with a bearded man. In the Middle Ages, touching another man’s beard was considered offensive and grounds for a duel. The same rules still apply today.
- In a study about facial hair, women found bearded men 2/3rds less attractive than their clean-shaven counterparts. Probably because women couldn’t handle the overflowing manliness emanating from the facial hair.
- 98% of the Forbes 100 richest men are clean-shaven. But 98% of the world’s lumberjacks, warriors, and bad boys have beards. Obviously, these billionaires are jelly because they can’t grow a beard.
- Stroking your beard while having deep thoughts increases cognitive ability and concentration.
- Men of action have beards: Tom Selleck, Leonidas, Hulk Hogan, Obi Wan Kenobi. Men of great intellect also have beards: Confucius, Aristotle, Einstein, Gandalf.
- Also, Jesus has a beard. Literally, CROSSfit.
- In a study by the University of Southern Queensland, beards block 90 to 95 percent of UV rays, slowing the aging process and reducing skin cancer. Beards not only make you manlier, they make you healthier as well!
- Growing a beard produces, like 100 times more testosterone in your body. The more testosterone flowing through your veins, the higher chance of you hitting your PRs. Ok I made that up, but it’s highly plausible!
- The longer the beard, the longer the life span. Just ask Santa Claus, he’s been around forever.
- The ultimate workout beast mode: a lengthy beard, plus taking your shirt off.
No Shave November is near, get ready to grow your beards.
“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.” – Thomas Edison
What it really means: That shit literally means ONE. MORE. REP. Get your goddamn ass off the floor and start doing some more reps! I know it hurts, I know you’re wheezing like your lungs just collapsed, I know your thighs are fucked, but goddamn it man, never ever allow yourself to do a bro-rep! You know what they say, “When the going gets tough, the tough get lifting.”
“Success is simple. Do what’s right, the right way, at the right time.” – Arnold Glasgow
What it really means: You heard da man, success is fuckin’ simple. Get it together. Master your form and skills, and you’ll get your shit right as well. Learn the fundamentals of the game, never compromise form over reps, try to perfect your timing when you do snatches, and you’ll be pretty fuckin’ dope in no time.
Oh, and speaking of “do what’s right,” never do some fuckery like skip reps or shaving a few seconds off your time. That shit not only dishonors the sport, but also makes you a pussy.
“Poverty was the greatest motivating factor in my life.” – Jimmy Dean
What it really means: A lack of GAINS was the greatest motivating factor in my life! Not having enough swole in my body was the greatest motivating factor in my life! You might not have been born blessed with a jacked physique or the godlike stats of Almighty Rich Froning, but that shit ain’t stopping you.
Make physical poverty your bitch. Show that bastard that you’re not taking this lying down! Do not let your circumstance dictate your swag meter. Got scrawny arms? Chicken legs? OH HELL NO! Get your big fat booty over to the box and pump the shit out of your gains deficiency. RX that shit like a fuckin’ boss!
“The task of the leader is to get his people from where they are to where they have not been.” – Henry Kissinger
What it really means: Coaches, if your damn peeps don’t know how to do a pull-up, or a burpee, or a handstand, or even a squat. Do not call the SQWAT Team just yet. CALM. YOUR. TITTIES. Just keep doing what you do. Take them to school. Teach them the basics, the right movements, the Mamba mentality. And for fuck’s sake, do not ride ‘em ‘til they barf their fuckin’ lunch. That’s bad coaching, ya’ll.
With enough leadership shit, your peeps will be badasses in no time. One day when your students walk in for a WOD, you’ll be all like, “Mama, there goes that man!”
“Don’t let the fear of striking out hold you back.” – Babe Ruth
What it really means: Oh you got a DNF? BOO. FUCKIN’. HOO. Get your punk ass back out there! You got your ass handed to you by that barbell today. That’s ok, failure is legit. But you better be out for some sweet revenge after you recuperate. Show that bar who’s boss! Get a good lawyer, cause you’re gonna murder this WOD! Do not let the fear of finishing dead last or not finishing at all hold you back. Unleash the beast within!